Nick Mason's Ficticious Sports

Produced by Nick Mason & Carla Bley

Released 1981

"Can't Get My Motor To Start" (Bley)

Can't get my motor to start
Can't get my motor to start
Can't get my motor to start
Can't get my motor to start
Can't you get it to go?
Is your battery low?
No, I don't think so

Try pullin out on the choke
Try lookin' under the hood
Try pullin out on the choke
Try lookin' under the hood
Lookin under the hood
Never did any good
The choke must be broke

Try beatin' down with your feet
looks like she's startin' to crank
Let's take the gasoline out
Try puttin' beer in the tank
Bring the beer over here
'Cause I need it to steer

Try pullin out all the wires
Try stuffin' cheese in the cracks
Try dynamitin' the tank
Smash all the glass with an ax
Do you have any grease?
Pour it over the seats

What did you do to my car?
What did you do to my car?
What did you do to my car?
What did you do to my car?
Well we took it apart
But we can't make it start

We wanna go for a ride
Let's push it over the hill
We wanna go for a ride
Let's push it over the hill
Better not gt inside
'Cause she's startin' to slide


"I Was Wrong" (Bley)

Well I used to think this talk of spaceships
Was just so much hype
I really believed there was nothing out there
Except the Stars and the Stripes
I mean the scientists said they found out that
There was nothing there on Mars
So as far as I was concerned it was just
The name of a candy bar

I'm one of those kind of people
Who need proof before they believe
Close Encounters left me cold
And Star Trek seemed naive
When it came to UFO's
I was of the scientific school
Little green men with pointed heads
Were for little kids and fools

But I was wrong
I was wrong
I was real wrong
I was wrong
All along
I was so wrong

The people who believed that stuff
Were always kind of odd
I mean you might as well go all the way
And believe in Jesus and God
I knew I had the kind of mind
That wasn't easily satisfied
And besides I had enough problems on earth
To keep me occupied

And then one night I was standing
Looking at the stars
And I heard something that sounded like
A hundred space guitars
The music was so weird it could have
been the theme from Jaws
Then I saw something flying over my head
I thought it was Santa Claus


But I was wrong
I was wrong
I was real wrong
I was wrong
All along
I was so wrong

"Siam" (Bley)

Here's another song about a place near Hong Kong
They got lots of opium and Lapsang Southong
Siam, Siam

All the fancy pussycats come from this area
Also got a lot of animals that scare ya
Siam, Siam

Python legs are poached in slimy toad saliva
After eating that I'm lucky I'm aliva
I am, yes I am

Ask the King if you can stay to sample cuisine
Maybe he will even let you dine with the Queen
Siam, Siam

Nicest little place i live in since Budapest
If you think that I'm in love, you're right, I confess
I am, I am, yes I am, with Siam
I am, I am, yes I am, with Siam

"Hot River" (Bley)

Do you long to cavort?
Here's a new water sport
That you ought to try
It's a Fahrenheit dream
Hot and covered with steam
You won't be bored
Do you want to get wet?
Are you starting to sweat?
Slip over the side
Now we're caught in a swell
Here's where Heaven and Hell
Start to collide

It's slippery and slimy
Reach over here and tie me
I'm so warm I can hardly move
Mother never told me
I'd need someone to hold me
But where I'm from the rivers are all cold

It's a fisherman's dream
Dinner's already steamed
And ready to eat
When you feel your resolve
Is about to dissolve
Then stop for a treat
In a river of steam
Nothing seems too obscene
So let down your hair
While you drift through a trough
Slip your bathing suit off
And really get clean

You can do your laundry
While your thoughts are wandering
And you watch the passing swimmer's poach
You don't need no Sterno
In Dante's Inferno
It's thermohydriatically controlled

You can't stay in too long
'Cause the heat is too strong
You're starting to slide
Grab ahold of the rope
Throw your soap in the boat
Climb over the side
We can come back for more
When we start to get bored
There's nothing as wild
As a Hot River swim
On the volcanic rim

"Boo To You Too" (Bley)

Just when we was startin' to play
Someone yelled out take 'em away
Then we heard 'em startin' to boo
What did you do?  What did you do?
I reacted intelligently
Here's my method, try it and see
When somebody's runnin' you down
You got to turn it around, turn it around

So when they boo at me you know what I do?
I tell 'em boo to you too, boo to you too
Boo to you too, boo to you too

I don't take it personally
When somebody's booin' at me
Makes no difference if the music is fine
I never pay it no mind, pay it no mind
When you're tryin' something that's new
You'll have people booin' at you
When we hear 'em startin' to boo
What do we do?  What do we do?

Well when they boo at us you know what we do?
We tell 'em boo to you too, boo to you too
Boo to you too, boo to you too

Keep your chin up, play what you feel
Music's always grand if it's real
Even if they're cruel to you
You got to do what you do, do what you do
When they're ready to tear you apart
Use your noodle adn try to be smart
Don't just stand there takin' abuse
You got to put it to use, put it to use

You make 'em boo on cue, they say boo
And you say boo to you too
Boo to you too, boo to you too

You make 'em boo on cue, they say boo
And you say boo to you too
Boo to you too, boo to you too

Boo to you too, boo to you too
Boo to you too, boo to you too


"Do Ya?" (Bley)

I try
God knows I try
It seems very clear to me, that I try
But it's not clear to you, that I do
You don't know what I mean, do ya?
You don't know what I mean

I mean
I mean I try
God knows that I mean to try
I mean it seems so very clear to me, that I'm trying
But it's not clear to you, what I'm trying to do
You don't know what I mean, do ya?
You don't know what I mean

You're not trying
God knows you probably mean to try
I mean sometimes it even seems clear to me
I mean sometimes it even seems clear to me that you're trying to try
Is that clear?  Do you know what I mean, what I'm trying to say
You don't know what I mean, do ya?
TYou don't know what I mean

God knows I try

"Wervin'" (Bley)

Wervin', we're Wervin'
Do you need a doctor?
Swervin' and curvin'
Are you pocket trained?
Do you like to Werve?
Do you have the nerve?
Do you need a doctor
when you start to swerve?
Are you pocket trained
Goin' 'round a curve?
Can you Werve?

Wervin', we're Wervin'
Do you save the coupons?
Swervin' and curvin'
Can I borrow your suit?
Can you Werve like a bird
Or do you find it absurd?
Did you come prepurd?
Can I borrow your suit?

Do you find it unnervin'
Or pleasantly disturbin'
Can you Werve?

Wervin', we're Wervin'
Do you have your 'chute?
Swervin' and curvin'
Does your mother know?
Do you worry when you Werve?
Are you scared when you swerve?
Do you get what you deserve
When you go around a curve?
I can see your house
Have you lost your nerve?
Can you Werve?
Werve
Werve
Werve

"I'm A Mineralist" (Bley)

Here's a shocking revelation for you voyeurs
Such a heinous deviation, these are no clues
I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist

Just the thought of ironing gives me spasms of lust
I creep up to old wrecked cars and lick off the rust
I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist

Mother used to try to metal in my affairs
Keep your nose up off that grindstone, people will stare
Get the lead out of your pants and change your underwear

I've been stealing baby bottles since I was born
I'll go blind from balling bearings, doctors have warned
I like making out with steel-rimmed glasses more than horned

Erik Satie gets my rocks off, Cage is a dream
Phillip Glass is a Mineralist to the extreme

I like tickling ivories and fingering stones
When my mercury goes up I play with my bone

Peole take for granite my perversion is wrong
I'm not harming anyone by beating my gong
I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist

I'll make love to minerals as long as I can
And in fifty years I'll be a jaded old man
I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist
I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist
 





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